Just a Side Story

What is the point of even being nice and being patient? Being nice is tiring since some of the people either didn't appreciate your niceness or assume your niceness of being weak and easy to bully. Being patient required more energy because being patient had a limit. You can't always be patient towards the same people and the same things a lot of time.

Personally, I am tired of life, tired of living, tired of being who I am not since a lot of people, including my family expected me to change the bad in me. I admit that I am a bad person, the worst you will ever encounter if you offend me in either open way or secretive (behind my back) way. I am a temperamental and avengeful person but I had left my avengeful self around three years ago. I poured forgiveness to the people that had hurt me before but now I am not sure I can do it again. A lot of things had happened for the past few years, since 2002 to be exact.

I was the eldest of two and since my father passed away in 2002, my life had completely changed. I became a very closed person, chose to be alone, thirsty of attention especially from boys. I didn’t know who I am anymore because I changed to a person I’m not. I’m sick of my life where everything seemed to be out of control. I was bullied and been called names since my junior and senior high school. My high school life was miserable and so was the first two years of my university experience.

When I was in uni, I fell in love with a guy, let’s say Mr A but the love was only from my side. He didn’t love me at all no matter how hard I tried to impress him and tried to stole his heart. On the third year, things begun to change because I continued my study to China and that was the best decision I’ve ever made and I never regretted it at all. For two years my effort to have Mr A’s heart proved to be in vain and my going to study to China slowly scrape the feelings I’ve ever had for him and by the time I met him after I graduate from uni, I completely lost feeling for him and I felt free for the first time. No hard feelings and no more longing for his love. Then I began a new journey of my life in which some of the worst memories I had due to my incompetency of making decision and resisting temptation.

On my third year in China, I began my whole life alone where I was left jobless and the need of money for apartment rent. I started working as a waitress in a restaurant which was managed by my church reverend and his wife. I met a lot of people and slowly changed my life from a grumpy Kathy to friendly Kathy. Usually people will remember me because of my grumpiness but since I worked there, I was known for my friendliness. I also met Dom, a Thai that I admire and I love his dog, Wanyen. Dom was a good guy and friendly, always wore a smile on his face and from him I learnt to always wore a smile whenever I met people I know just like him.

I started going to clubs on weekends and I love clubbing. I can dance and let everything out loud there with no one judging you. I began to skip some of my service in church just to be present in the clubs. That time I was still a good girl, never kissed anyone, kept my virginty well and didn’t do anything bad, YET.

Then I was cheated by Chinese people and lost RMB 4,000 which was around IDR 7,2 million. That was the beginning of my bad luck until I can’t continue living in the apartment where I was living that time and decided to move together with my friends to apartment I can afford to rent. Then I went back to my country to make visa so I can stay in China for work.

When I came back, I started working with Indonesians that had business with the Chinese but then things started to change too. The Chinese I was working with was a slick and I assumed she said something bad about me that made my boss indirectly fired me. I said indirectly because at that time I was forced to go home by my mother which knew what life I led in the past few months.

Back to where I was still working, I met an Arab guy and he was so nice to me. He expressed his affection openly and he was the one that had my first kiss in a little weird way. Then that bastard left me without even saying goodbye. I began smoking, going to clubs intensively but luckily I can still focused on m work. I even started drinking but again, luckily I am allergic to alcohol so I can’t drink much. Then I had a boyfriend, a Tajikh who was cute but also a bastard. The more I longed for guy’s attention, the worst guy I will get. Since my first kiss was taken by that Arab bastard, I made out with a lot of guys in clubs, mostly met only that night and never met again and even met again, I will pretend that I never knew him and he did the same so no one was offended. What a bad girl I am. My life is completely ruined by my night life and forced me to come back to my country and taste the difficult life that I never tasted while in China, FREEDOM.